Navigating Residential Life and Homesickness

We’re starting the third week of school. Your Deacs are making a new home in their residential communities. Here are some tips on how your Deacs can make the most of their residential experience and how you can support your Deac if/when they are homesick.

Communication, diplomacy, and compromise are critical for positive roommate relations. My guess is most of our students have not shared a room with a sibling before, so suddenly having to share your living space can take getting used to. Roommates were encouraged to complete the Roommate Agreement at the start of school, and that outlines the things each roommate agrees to do for the good of roommate harmony. They can be as specific as they want to be: What are study hours? What time is lights out? Is it OK to borrow clothes? Is it OK to eat the other person’s food? etc.

If one party breaks a previously-agreed-to part of that agreement, your student will need to have a diplomatic, polite conversation with the roommate – and be willing to compromise. Here’s an example: it may be that the roommate initially agreed to lights out at midnight, but they have been coming home at 2 am. One solution might be to split the difference and agree to come home at 1 am – or come home at 2, but don’t turn the lights on.

Your student and their roommate will figure out any conflicts, and the RA is there (if needed) to help mediate a conversation. But the RA’s role is not to give feedback on your student’s behalf: both roommates need to be in conversation with each other. Remember, roommates do not need to be best friends – they just need to share their space in a cordial way. And a word to the wise for P’29 families: if there is a roommate conflict, resist the urge to intervene!

To find your people, do things that make you happy – and avoid things that don’t. Students can feel intense pressure to join in and do what the crowd is doing – but it is important to honor their own internal compass. If your Deac is a morning person and doesn’t want to begin their Friday night at 11 p.m., it’s OK for them not to go out. If they like to knit and no one else does, knit away. Gently remind your Deacs that they should not conform to activities that don’t align with their values, even if it seems like everyone else is doing it.

Students can “find their people,” so to speak, by getting involved in student organizations that interest them and by putting themselves out there with introductions and invitations to meals/coffee/a walk on campus, etc. It takes time and effort on their part, but Wake Forest will begin to feel like home in time.

What to do for your homesick Deac. Homesickness can come at different times. It could have hit as soon as you said goodbye to your student after Move-In, or when they are missing a milestone at home (a birthday, etc.). For some students, they might not feel homesick at all – and that is OK too.

So how can you help if you think your student is homesick?

Provide a comforting ear when your student calls/texts you. Remind your student that college is always an adjustment and it’s normal to miss home and miss high school friends.

Suggest that your student talk to others on their hall – roommate, hallmate, RA. There are likely other students feeling the same way, and they can bond together.

Send care packages. Some of your student’s favorite non-perishable foods from home can be a great comfort. Hint: if you send enough to share, your student can knock on the doors of their hallmates to share the bounty and make a few friends that way.

Resist the urge to call or email them too much. Let your student set the schedule of how frequently they wish to talk to you.

Finally, consider not responding to a phone call or text from your student as soon as they send it. But Betsy, that sounds mean?!?! Why wouldn’t I want to respond right away, you may be thinking. Here’s why:

Say your student has a fight with their roommate. They might reach out to you immediately for comfort, to distract themselves from this fight and make themselves feel better. But it’s important for students to have a chance to feel their feelings – especially difficult ones – and sit with them for a while.

In the short term, your Deac might feel better having called you and been distracted from their issue. But by talking to you and getting immediate validation, your Deac hasn’t had a chance to realize “I had a fight with my roommate and I am angry and frustrated…but I am also OK.”

We all need to learn that it is OK and normal to have bad days, or difficult emotions, but they pass, and we can live with them. That’s one way students learn to be resilient. And that realization may not hit them if they get an immediate response from you. 

Finally, remind your student to be patient with the bumps in the road as they adjust to college. Learning new academic expectations and finding comfort in a new living environment take time. The more your Deac can put the work in now, the sooner they might feel they are finding their place.