The Unhappy College Student Phone Call/Text/FaceTime

Before we get to the meat of today, I neglected to mention yesterday that the National Black Theatre Festival is happening this week August 1-6. Wake Forest is one of many locations in Winston-Salem hosting performances. Productions are being held at the Scales Fine Arts Center in the Tedford Mainstage Theatre, with performances of Cowboy and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and in the Ring Theatre with performances of Savior Samuel and The House of the Negro Insane. If you are local(ish) or will be in town, check the NBTF site for showtimes and ticket purchases.  

Everyone dreads getting an unhappy phone call/text/FaceTime from their college student. While today’s post might be especially good info for incoming P’26 families, I hope families of other years might find it useful too.

One of the phenomena we often find at the start of school is families being on the receiving end of an unhappy phone call from their college student (what I sometimes refer to as the Frantic Phone Call/Text/FaceTime). Their student calls in a highly stressed state: they hate their roommate, or their classes, or feel like this is not the right college for them. That might manifest in statements like “I made a mistake – I want to transfer” or “I don’t fit in here,” or “everyone else has already made friends and there is no way for me to join a group now” etc. All emotions are dialed up to 11.

What if you get the Unhappy Phone Call from your college student?

As a parent or loved one, being on the receiving end of an unhappy phone call from your college student can leave you at Defcon 1, high anxiety, a major stressor. If it happens to you, try to keep a few things in mind:

– Your Deac is calling you at the high point of their stress because you are a safe place to unload all their worries.

– It does not necessarily mean they are asking you to do anything.

– The best way you can support your student is to listen and respond with empathy (“I can tell you are upset, I’m so sorry, I can see how you might feel that way,” etc.) And let them seek her own solutions, so they learn to build problem solving skills and resilience. Ask questions like: what have you considered doing? what are your options? where on campus might you turn for assistance or support? who have you talked to about this?

– Understand that it is normal (and OK) for our kids to have bad days. Feeling unpleasant emotions and conflict is a normal part of being human; it happens to us as adults too, after all. Try to focus on the learning moment here: this is an opportunity for your Deac to learn how to process negative emotions and work through them on their own – which is something they will need to do for the rest of their life. While it isn’t fun, it is helpful for our students to have to sit with their discomfort so they can understand that “I am unhappy right now – but I am still OK. This will pass.” That will help them build resilience and grit for future bad days.

– We do not have to appropriate our students’ moods. (Again, this one is SO hard for me and I have to constantly check myself when I feel this happening.) We can’t keep our children from having bad feelings – we ALL get them sometimes – but we shouldn’t let their mood dictate our mood.

– Keep things in perspective: what they are upset about now might not be bothering them tomorrow (or even an hour from now). In my 23 years of working with college parents and families, the vast majority of the time, students tend to vent their frustrations to Mom, Dad, or family members, and almost as soon as they hang up, they feel better! As such, I often counsel families to wait 24-48 hours before calling your student after a Frantic Phone Call/Text/FaceTime. Often a good night’s sleep and a clear head make the situation they were griping about seem far less grave.

A parent of an upperclass student shared their story with the Frantic Phone Call/Text/FaceTime:

“My son would call with the download of everything that wasn’t going well. I tried to be a good listener, but after hanging up, I took on all his stress. I finally realized these calls were his way of *venting.* When I would follow-up several days later and ask how he was doing with situation X, his response was most often ‘oh that, it’s fine, no big deal.’ I then wised up and when I got those calls I’d say ‘that’s a bummer,’ ‘I’m sorry,’ ‘that sounds frustrating,’ etc. He just needed a familiar voice and a loving non-judgmental listener.”

Now, if you are concerned that this a serious situation involving life/health/safety, then it is appropriate to take a more active role. For help assessing where to call, you can reference the Who to Contact for… page; in the event of urgent concerns after normal business hours, our After Hours Help page is a resource.

— by Betsy Chapman, Ph.D. (’92, MA ’94)

August 2, 2022