Someone Has to Go Last

In this Issue: today we talk about operational processes and how we can’t all be first

I have a series of posts I share each year about typical college processes. Most of those blog posts (I hope) are well received. There are a few topics that are not necessarily popular, but they are both true and necessary to hear. Today’s topic: someone has to go last. And its corollary: sometimes there are limited spaces for something, and you might not get one.

No one wants to hear that, of course. Whether that is getting food in the Pit (and hoping the person in front of you doesn’t take the last serving of what you want), registering for classes, or getting your lottery number for housing selection, etc., there is always someone who goes first, and someone who goes last. And when there are situations where demand for something exceeds supply (e.g., on campus parking permits for off-campus students, or the number of juniors returning from abroad who get released from their 3-year residency requirement to live off campus), there will come a point where those spaces are all claimed.

In a school of 5,000ish undergraduates, it is normal to think the odds will be in your Deac’s favor and they won’t be last in the queue for something they want, or they will be able to get something they want that is in limited supply. But the reality of life is that someone has to go last, and sometimes capacity is reached before your turn. It’s not about merit, or how hard you work, or how much you want it. Sometimes life is being assigned a number and it’s the luck of the draw.

So if it ever happens that your Deac is upset about their draw in something, I’d ask for two things: 1) your good grace, and 2) your help in framing the situation for your student.

First, try not to react. Your student might be unhappy to have a late time in a given process, or that their lottery number didn’t allow for X or Y, but if you chime in and express your displeasure, that can make it even more stressful for your student, or can negatively color their experience. It’s like when they were little kids and skinned their knee – if you didn’t react and say “oh you poor baby!” they didn’t cry.

Second, listen and sympathize. We all need to vent sometimes. And you can help them by saying ‘I am so sorry. I hear your frustration and I understand it.’  That helps them feel heard and affirmed. You can enhance this learning moment if you add something like ‘The reality is sometimes we end up last/don’t get a spot, through no fault of our own.‘ And help them see this decision wasn’t personal, it was just the luck of the draw.

Finally, help provide perspective. Help your Deac see we all have to adjust when circumstances don’t work out the way we hoped. Share a time when you were disappointed that you came up last in something – and survived. Or when they overcame a similar challenge in high school or at Wake.

One of the important out-of-the-classroom lessons of college is how to deal effectively with the circumstances life hands you. In life, sometimes you’re first in line, and sometimes you’re not. Help your Deac learn to take either situation with good grace.