Declaration of Independence
I am still out of the office, so this is a pre-post.
The Fourth of July is still several weeks away, but today we’re going to talk about the Declaration of Independence (though not the one you’re thinking of!) Today we are talking about affirming your Deac’s independence.
For those who are longtime Daily Deac-ers, you are familiar with me talking about the Stop, Drop, and Roll method for student problem-solving (for our new P’25s, please read this). In essence, Stop, Drop, and Roll means when your Deac contacts you with a problem or a decision to make, you are to stop in your tracks, drop whatever you are planning to do to solve the problem or provide the answer for your student, and instead roll with whatever they decide.
There are some nuances to Stop, Drop, and Roll that are worth talking about. One of those nuances is that while many families understand the concept that they should not jump in when their student has a problem, they might be willing to help with what feels like simple day-to-day issues (“my Deac is so busy, if I can take X off their plate, it will help them out or be an act of love”). In fact, your doing those kinds of well-intended actions to help your student might not really be helpful.
What kind of well-intentioned help (that doesn’t help) am I talking about? It is when a parent or family member:
makes calls to an administrative office (instead of the student) to resolve an issue or to find out some general information (room size, res hall closing date, etc.) Why is this not helpful? Your Deacs need practice researching how to accomplish administrative tasks – and so many of them are text-only creatures, getting some practice having a cold call phone conversation will help them improve their phone skills. In addition, this robs your student of making connections with staff/faculty in that office.
researches potential classes to take, makes suggestions, and/or plans the student’s schedule. Why is this not helpful? Only your Deac will know which classes they are interested in taking. And if a parent or loved one suggests taking X or Y class, that could put pressure on the student to take something that is not of interest just to please you – and if a student is not happy taking X class (or doesn’t have strong aptitude in that area), it is likely their grade will reflect that.
researches potential study abroad/away programs. Why is this not helpful? Studying abroad is a transformational experience. Students should be free to look at all the potential places they may wish to study. It takes an enormous amount of independence and resourcefulness to spend a semester in a foreign country, or at Wake Washington in DC. Your students should have to do all the work to research and plan for that, so they hone their planning and independence skills now so they are ready to manage their own affairs in a foreign country or new city.
prompts your student about deadlines or due dates. Why is this not helpful? It teaches your student to rely on you to tell them when/what to do things. You are not going to be with them on their first job to coach them through a project. They need to learn self-management and organization now.
texts their student to be sure they get up in the morning. No explanation needed.
It gets exponentially harder for families to resist jumping in when their student calls/texts and sounds upset. Imagine this scenario: your daughter is pre-med and she has a big chem test this week and she’s super stressed. She’s also got a nasty cold and is feeling bad. There is some issue with her room and she needs to work with Residence Life and Housing to resolve it – and she calls you to grumble about all the things on her plate. You – as a loving parent/family member – think you will help her by making the calls to Res Life and maybe even ordering her some food to be delivered. Short term, you have helped solve her problems.
BUT.
Let’s play the long game here. One of these days, your adult daughter may have a big project due for her job, a vomiting toddler that morning, and her air conditioner breaks. She is going to have to figure out how to get her kiddo to the doctor, rearrange her work schedule, and get the repairpeople there to fix her A/C. She will have to handle all those things all at once. And she will be better equipped to handle that situation then, if she has some expertise in multitasking and managing multiple problems now. Getting that kind of practice in the safe environment of college really matters.
You might feel like you are being uncaring if you have the ability to make your kid’s life easier in some way and you don’t do it. But remember in those moments that your Deacs need to learn how to be self sufficient. They can’t do that if you are helping do things for them.
If you call or email me and ask how to get X or Y done for your Deac, I will gently suggest that your student should call me to ask that question, or your student should call the correct office to handle it. I promise you I am not trying to be unhelpful, lazy, or mean; it’s my attempt to help your student. Because when your student calls and takes care of their own business, they will gain more respect from that office for taking ownership and responsibility. When mom, dad, or a loved one calls for the student, it can handicap the student’s relationship with the office, because it robs the student of the chance to connect and make allies there (and could even make your student look incapable/uninterested, which is not the impression they want to make). So if I push back and urge you to let your Deac do the work, please know my motivation is to help your Deac grow and learn.
(Remember that I’m a mom too – I get it. I fight the urge to make the call myself to get information I need because I don’t want my hopeful Class of ’27 Deac to miss a school deadline or be unprepared. But my ’27 Deac needs to learn that if I ask him to take care of X and he does not, then there is a potential consequence. Every time I shield him from that by trying to do the work for him, I rob him of the chance to learn why you have to be on top of deadlines and due dates, etc. It’s the same for your Deacs. They were smart enough to get into Wake Forest. They will be smart enough to figure out their own solutions – if you let them. 🙂
So, I urge you to make a Declaration of Independence with your Deac. If calls need to be made, make them do the calling. If classes or programs need to be researched, have them do the leg work. If they are having a tough week like the young woman in our chem example, offer your love and sympathy – but no rescuing.
Talk to them about this before you come for Move-In. Let them know this is not you being mean, it is you giving them the gift of growth and self-sufficiency.
One final thought: in recent years, college parents nationwide have begun to talk about their students’ college activities in the plural: “we are trying to figure out room size to see if a rug will fit,” “we are looking into which classes we should register for and have questions” or “we are wondering about a potential roommate switch” – as if the parent or family member was an equal actor in the process. Those are all experiences that should be your student’s, and your student’s alone. As subtle as it may seem, if you use “we” language for what should be your student’s individual action, it potentially colors the experience that college should be a joint effort. And since parents/family members are older and wiser, it makes it that much easier for students to look to you for answers instead of learning the answers themselves.
So…
Declare your independence (and support theirs).
And banish the “we” from your vocabulary – unless it is to tell your Deac “we love you.”