On Resilience

In this Issue:

• Virtual New Student Reception tonight at 7 p.m./info for new families
• Why bad times might be good for us: building strength and resilience

Virtual New Student Reception tonight at 7 p.m./info for new families

For new families (or new students!) planning to join us for our New Student Reception tonight, login information was emailed to all registered attendees today. Please check your spam/junk/quarantine folders, and/or search for wfu.edu email addresses in your email to find it. You can also find login info here. And yes, it will be recorded if you can’t make it live; we will post the recording at that same link in the coming days.

Our ’28s got their weekly message from the Office of Orientation, New Student, and Transition Programs; read it here. Tomorrow will be the message to new families.

Why bad times might be good for us: building strength and resilience

Resilience is a critical skill for all of us to have. We all will suffer losses, failures, disappointments. In college, those can come in many flavors: bad test/paper grade, roommate conflict, loss of a romantic relationship, didn’t get into the Greek org/student org/internship they wanted, intended major no longer an option, etc.

Knowing it is normal to have disappointments and losses, we all must have the ability to bounce back in those moments of setback.

For many of us, when something goes wrong, we seek external validation for our hurt feelings – we call mom or dad or a loved one, we post on social media about the issue knowing we will get a lot of ‘likes’ or affirming messages. But an important part of college student development is moving past having others validate you – and instead finding your own internal validation and reassurance.

So when your Deac encounters a setback of some form, try to push back any discomfort you are feeling about their discomfort, and instead look at the setback as an opportunity to grow their resilience.

10 Ways to Build Resilience

Resilience consists of a range of skills that improve as you practice. This site has a more detailed explanation of some of the points below, which I have condensed/reworded a bit.

Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.

Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can’t change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.

Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.

Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly — even if it seems like a small accomplishment — that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, “What’s one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?”

Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.

Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality and heightened appreciation for life.

Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.

Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.

Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.

The key is to identify strategies that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.

Affirmations that you might share with your student in a moment of setback

In those moments when your Deac is experiencing disappointment, failure, etc., you can help them keep it in perspective, and help them build their resilience by working through the situation. As always, I recommend asking your Deac what they need: do they need to vent and just want you to listen? or do they want to hear any advice? And then do what they ask you for.

If they do want your thoughts, I would steer away from problem solving and go more in the direction of reminding them of resilience. Here are some suggestions:

• “This is tough, but so are you.” Sometimes students just need a reminder that they CAN do it (whatever “it” is) and that they are strong.
• “I know this hurts. I remember when this happened to me [insert story of your own disappointment.]” It may be helpful for your student to know you have overcome similar things. Often our children don’t believe we’ve gone through issues (weirdly, they just assume we always succeed, even if they don’t tell us that!) and feel comforted to know that their loved ones persevered through difficulty too.
• “I remember that time in high school where you [insert tough situation they dealt with]. You managed that then, I trust you to manage this now.” Helping them remember that they have been resilient before might make this current situation easier to bear. Hearing that you trust them will likely boost their self-confidence.
• “While you failed to get [insert thing they wanted], you are not a failure. I am proud of you for who you are, not what you get.” Achievement matters so much to this generation of students, as does disappointing their loved ones. Reminding them your love is unconditional can be a big boost in a time of hurt.
• “It’s OK to feel bad/angry/disappointed/etc. That is normal. And it may take some time for that feeling to go away, but it will, and you will be stronger in the end.” Most of us don’t like to feel bad feelings, and try to chase them away with some fun distraction. But feeling those feelings, and working through them, is healthy. Remind them that their discomfort is temporary.

You know your student and know what they might respond to. Help them keep perspective in whatever way works best for them.