The Last [Non-Commencement] Monday

In this Issue:

• Good luck to our women’s golf team!
• The bitterssweetness of having your student home

Happy last Monday of official activities (until Commencement Monday)! It’s been a gray and rainy few days. Interestingly enough, when I was talking to my students during our final exam time, they happy about the bad weather: they said when the weather is gross, there is less temptation to spend time outside and not study.

Continued positive thoughts to all our Deacs as they finish their final papers, projects, and exams. You got this!

Good luck to our women’s golf team!

The No. 3-nationally ranked Wake Forest women’s golf team will begin the quest to defend its national title today (Monday, May 6), when they begin NCAA Regional play at Bermuda Run.

We wish our Deacs success as they start the tournament. You can follow along here with live scoring. (Note: I went to press with this post before the scores were all posted for today).

The bittersweetness of having your student home

For those lucky families whose students are already home (as mine is), you are likely navigating some readjustments in your household. On one hand, it is a wonderful thing to have our beloved birds back in the nest, so to speak. On the other hand, it is likely you’d gotten into something of a new routine with your student away at college (no matter what year they are), so your student’s return is an adjustment for everyone. Here are some you might experience:

Emotions

I am thrilled to have our ’27 home for the summer. We love him more than anything. AND – having him back now really puts a stark contrast on how much he has changed. How much more independent he is. How much he’s been running his own affairs without me (as he should). And, if I am most honest with you, how it stings a bit to realize how little control I have anymore (if I ever had it; control is an illusion anxious people like me cling to sometimes).

This is the bittersweet part of our students coming home. We see they have grown and matured – and that is a good thing. And maybe it also feels like they are a little less “ours” anymore and a little more their own people now. I keenly feel a “him home is never going to feel the same way it did K-12.” That’s not a bad thing, just will take me some getting used to.

Navigating autonomy

With every decision in their lives – what/when to eat, who to spend time with, how to relax, how much sleep they need, what is an acceptable time to go out (or be back home), our students have been autonomous since we dropped them off in August for college. Chances are, they like and appreciate that autonomy and want it to continue.

So now begins the navigating of which “house rules” you feel like you can’t give up, and where there is room for compromise.

All of us will have to figure out our own family norms on things like whether it is OK to leave at 11 p.m. or midnight to go visit a Wake friend in another town, or to go to a party? Or drink alcohol? The advice I have been trying to follow is to listen to my ’27s perspective and be willing to bend on some things. Supportive commuication seems to be the key here (at least in my house).

Family time

As much as my ’27 is happy to be home, he spends a loooooooooot of time in his room, talking to his friends online, etc. For other families, it may be that your student wants to spend what feels like an excessive amount of time with high school friends (or evenlocal Wake friends) instead of family.

One of my dearest friends from Wake was a counselor here and he would always tell families that when students want to spend time with their high school friends (vs. the family), it’s actually a good sign: it typically means they feel comfortable with their relationships with their family members, but need to check in with the high school friends to see ‘are we still friends? do we still connect? are we good?’ They feel secure with you, less secure with their friends, hence the imbalance in where time is spent.

This may be tough for younger siblings who want to spend time with their older brother or sister. Additional negotiation/diplomacy with your Deac may be needed to help figure out a way to meet everyone’s needs.

I miss college

Many of our students will happily return home and enjoy a shower they don’t need to wear shoes in, their own bed/privacy of their own room, home cooking, their beloved pets. AND….they may also – sometimes insultingly quickly – wish they were back at Wake.

This doesn’t mean they don’t love you, and it doesn’t mean they aren’t happy to be home. No matter how fun your house is, you can’t compete with a campus full of diversions, events, parties, and hanging out with friends.

If you are sensing this from your Deac, try not to feel sad. Instead, take it as a positive sign that they like their school.

Best practices

The best practices in the readjustment to home life is open, honest communication with your Deac. Parents and family members absolutely have the right to expect certain things of their children. But there may be expectations you can let go a little in service of letting your student practice autonony and decision-making (necessary experiences as they grow into a fully-independent adult).

It can help to talk to your Deac about what they want, need, and expect, and share the same from your position. Then find the common ground so that home feels peaceful.

Also, spoil them a little. They will come home tired and drained from finals and move out. They may need a few days of a LOT of sleep. So some TLC, their favorite foods, a lot of patience and grace will go far.

And as I say every year:

For those about to rock Laundry Mountain, we salute you! 🙂