For Those About to Be Empty/ier Nesters, We Salute You

In this Issue: some inspiration and comfort for soon-to-be empty/emptier nesters

Today I will be involved in move-in and Orientation activities, so this is a pre-post

Before we get into the meat of today’s Daily Deac, a note on Pre-Orientation programming for our P’30s: while your Guidebook app may show ‘FULL’ for individual Orientation schedules, there are no assigned seats at those sessions. Sessions are first-come, first-served for seating. So if you want to go to a particular session, just show up and find a seat (and if the seats are all full, try the next seating if available).

A couple years ago, a Daily Deac reader forwarded some quotes for Empty Nesters, which might be helpful to some of our new families. I particularly liked these:

I have had many conversations with families this summer who are sending their first, only, or last child to college. I’m the mom of an only child, but I remember well some of the things I needed at college move in.

For background: I am an anxious person and an easy crier 🙂 Despite the fact that I have had a 27+ year career working with parents and families and my doctoral work was in higher education (specifically college parents/families), when it was MY turn to let MY baby go, it hit different.

At my ’27’s move in, I did OK until the last 30 minutes, and then I just started oozing big, silent tears. I did not want to upset my ’27, so I tried to look calm. We hugged and said I love you and parted.

Confession: I absolutely ugly cried when my husband and I left campus and cried much of the drive home. I was surprised to find myself filled with unexpected panic that our ’27 wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t done enough in real world preparations, that our ’27 would need things and not know how to do them without me. My husband kept reassuring me that our kiddo was ready and was going to be fine.

I expected empty nesting to feel terribly lonely and awful, but – as one of my friends predicted – it actually is kind of….nice. My husband and I now have date nights on Fridays. I started taking better care of myself and exercising more. I did things for myself that I had put off when I was too busy being a working mom. I started decluttering things in the house we don’t need/use anymore. We got a Bernese mountain dog puppy (now 2.5 years old) to go with our older Great Pyrenees/lab mix (nearly 10). Dog tax below for those who need a mood lift 🙂

It did not take long after new student drop off for my ’27 and I to figure out a balance of contact that worked for us. I mostly managed to resist the temptation to get into my ’27s business and not provide directions or instructions (even though I dispense college parenting advice for a living, it is hard for me to follow my own advice sometimes).

​One of my proudest moments, oddly enough, came just two weeks after new student move-in. My ’27 got pretty sick. I did not know they were sick or learn it was COVID until after the fact when my ’27 called to ask if I could bring them home to recuperate.

But not knowing the details as they were emerging was a blessing: that showed me what my ’27 was capable of without any mom-ing from me. My ’27:

• discerned that they were pretty sick (vs just trying to sleep it off)
• tried to make an appointment at student health (but it was after hours)
• found an alternate path: researched the closest CVS Minute Clinic and drove there to be examined
• had the presence of mind to ask for a COVID test

That is exactly the kind of resourcefulness and self-sufficiency I needed to reassure me that my baby’s got this!! And at that point, I realized my ’27 was more capable than I might have given credit for – and would be fine at college. And I’d be fine too.

Whether you are sending your first, last, or only child to college – or you still have other kids at home and you will miss your Deac – be gentle with yourself and feel the things you feel. It’s a huge transition for your family. My wish for all of you is that your Deacs have a wonderful year, and your family finds the right balance of contact and independence so that both parents and student thrive. (And I always tell parents and families that if you need a little moral support from a been-there-done-that college mom, hit reply on any Daily Deac and I am happy to help if I can :))

Your Deacs have got this, and so do you. Let’s make it a great year!