On Resilience

In this Issue: how to help your student build strength and resilience

One of the greatest parts about going to school at Wake Forest (or working here) is that you are surrounded by very smart, very talented people, who are high achievers. But being surrounded by incredibly accomplished people can foster perfectionism, and a perfectionistic mindset can make it tough to accept mistakes. So it is critical for our students to cultivate and foster their resilience skills.

It is inevitable that in some way, we all will suffer losses, failures, disappointments, etc. For students who might have been used to straight As in high school, they may find that they get their first B, C, or D in college. Or your student may go through some sort of interpersonal conflict (roommate, romantic partner, etc.), or find that they do not get into a particular student organzation, or get a leadership role or internship, etc.

So summer is a great time to have a conversation about disappointments and losses, and how important it is to bounce back in moments of setback.

You can help by talking about your own setbacks when you were their age, whether that was a college problem, a problem at work, or with family. Have a real conversation about a time you failed, or were disappointed, and how you handled it. That can help your student see that you have overcome issues, and they can too.

How students can cultivate a resilience mindset

Talk with your student about ways they can build their resilience skills and cultivate a resilience mindset. Like any other skill, resilience gets stronger as you practice. This site has a more detailed explanation of some of the points below, which I have condensed/reworded a bit.

Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can’t change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events.

Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.

Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.

Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.

Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly — even if it seems like a small accomplishment — that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, “What’s one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?”

Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.

Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality and heightened appreciation for life.

Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.

Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.

The key is to identify strategies that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.

Affirmations that you might share with your student in a moment of setback

This section is something you might want to copy and paste in your “for future action” file 🙂

Once school begins in August, in a moment when your Deac is experiencing disappointment, failure, etc.*, before you act or offer advice, I recommend asking your Deac “What is my role here? Do you need to vent and just want me to listen to you? Or do you want any advice?” etc. And then give your Deac what they ask for.

If they do want your thoughts or advice, you would be best served to steer away from problem solving and go more in the direction of reminding them of their capacity for resilience and their ability to handle the situation. Here are some suggestions of things you might say:

• “This is tough, but so are you.” Sometimes students just need a reminder that they CAN do it (whatever “it” is) and that they are strong.
• “I know this hurts. I remember when this happened to me [insert story of your own disappointment.]” It may be helpful for your student to know you have overcome similar things. Often our children don’t believe we’ve gone through issues (weirdly, they just assume we always succeed, even if they don’t tell us that!) and feel comforted to know that their loved ones persevered through difficulty too.
• “I remember that time in high school where you [insert tough situation they dealt with]. You managed that then, I trust you to manage this now.” Helping them remember that they have been resilient before might make this current situation easier to bear. Hearing that you trust them will likely boost their self-confidence.
• “While you failed to get [insert thing they wanted], you are not a failure. I am proud of you for who you are, not what you get.” Achievement matters so much to this generation of students, as does disappointing their loved ones. Reminding them your love is unconditional can be a big boost in a time of hurt.
• “It’s OK to feel bad/angry/disappointed/etc. That is normal. And it may take some time for that feeling to go away, but it will, and you will be stronger in the end.” Most of us don’t like to feel bad feelings, and try to chase them away with some fun distraction. But feeling those feelings, and working through them, is healthy. Remind them that their discomfort is temporary.

* of course, if their issue is a major life/safety/health situation, you may need to take more of an active role

You know your student and know what they might respond to. But your best posture might be to help them keep perspective, in whatever way works best for them.