The Bittersweet of Students Being Home
In this Issue: The adjustments of having your students back home for the summer
I’m on PTO today, so I am dusting off an oldie-but-goodie from the archives
The adjustments of having your students back home for the summer
The school year is over, and unless you have a senior, your Deacs are probably home with you (as my ’27 is with me). And it is wonderful to have our kids back with us – and – there may also be some degree of bittersweetness to it, because while they are home again, it isn’t exactly the same as it was when they still lived with you full-time.
Here are a few adjustments families and students will likely have to navigate this summer.
Schedules
Our students have spent from August until May living 100% on their terms: they decide their meal times (and what they eat), bedtimes, how often they do laundry, whether they make their bed, when/whether they need a haircut, and whatever extracurriculars/friend time/romantic pursuits that interest them, etc. They have been wholly autonomous.
They may expect or want that to continue while they are under your roof for the summer. You may think differently. Finding compromise (or at least turning a blind eye) might be the best path forward.
Personal decisions
How late is too late to begin an evening of socializing? Is it OK to leave at 11 p.m. or midnight to go visit a Wake friend in another town, or to go to a party? Can your student (whether 21 or not) drink alcohol in your house? Smoke or vape? Is their bedroom at home a mess now?
Some of the things they did at school may not be things you like. Navigating that in a way that works for both you and your student will be important.
Family time
I suspect that most of our students will be overjoyed to see their parents, siblings, and family members – and will want to take part in at least some family meals and other activities. But they may not want to do it as often as their little brother or sister (or you) want.
It is not uncommon for students coming home for the summer to spend what feels like an excessive amount of time with high school friends vs. family. That’s actually a good sign: it typically means they feel comfortable with their relationships with their family members, but need to invest time checking in with the high school friends to see ‘are we still friends? do we still connect? are we good?‘ They feel secure with you, less secure with their friends, hence the imbalance in where time is spent.
Your Deacs might also – sometimes fairly quickly – wish they were back at Wake. Again, that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, and it doesn’t mean they aren’t happy to be home. Summer is a weird limbo in college students’ lives, and no matter how fun your house is, it isn’t likely to be as full of diversions, events, parties, and hanging out with friends as college is. If this happens, try not to feel sad, but be reassured that it is a good thing they like their school.
Best practices
The best practices in the readjustment to home life is open, honest communication with your Deac. Parents and family members absolutely have the right to expect certain things of their young adult children. But there may be things you would have expected in their high school years that you can let go of (or at least loosen the rules) now?
Talk to your Deac about what they want, need, and expect, and share the same from your position. Then find the common ground so that home feels peaceful.
Also, spoil them a little. They have most likely come home tired and drained from finals and move out. They may need a week or two (or more) when they sleep a lot. You can offer TLC, their favorite foods, and a lot of patience and grace in those times.
And a belated Happy Mothers Day to all the Deac moms, stepmoms, grandmas, special aunties, and all the women who play a key role in the lives of our students. You are the world to them!