For Those About to Be Empty Nesters, We Salute You
In this Issue: some inspiration and comfort for soon-to-be empty nesters
Today we are moving our ’27 into his residence hall at NC State, so this is a pre-post
A few weeks ago, a P’27 Daily Deac reader forwarded this Inspiring Quotes website to me and I wanted to share it here. This particular issue is filled with quotes for Empty Nesters, which might be helpful as move-in is about to take place. Here are a couple of my favorites:
I have had many emails from many families this summer who are sending their first, only, or last child to college – and I have replied with some of the things that helped me last August when I was in their shoes. In case those musings might be helpful to others, will share them here today.
For background: my husband and I just have one child, a ’27 at NC State in Raleigh, a couple hours east of Winston-Salem. Also, I am an anxious person and an easy crier 🙂 Despite the fact that I have had a 25 year career working with parents and families and my doctoral work was in higher education (specifically college parents/families), when it was MY turn to let MY baby go, it hit different.
When we moved in our beloved only child for marching band camp, I did OK until the last 30 minutes, and then I just started oozing big, silent tears. I did not want to upset my ’27 so I tried to look calm. Thankfully he knows I am an easy crier. We hugged and said I love you and parted.
Confession: I ugly cried when my husband and I left campus and cried much of the drive home. I was surprised to find myself filled with unexpected panic that our ’27 wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t done enough to prepare him, that he would need things and not know how to do them without me. My husband kept reassuring me that he was ready and was going to be fine.
On our first night home without him, we followed the best advice that a wise, dear friend (who is also the mom of an only child) gave me: plan something really fun to do that evening. We ended up going out to dinner at The Porch [highly recommend when you are in town if you like casual Tex Mex] with 3 other couples (2 of whom had older kids in college and understood what we were going through). We ate chips and the best queso in town and drank margaritas and talked and laughed and cried and commiserated. By the end of the evening, I felt happy. I cannot recommend this approach strongly enough!
I expected empty nesting to feel terribly lonely and awful, but – as one of my friends predicted – it actually is kind of….nice. My husband and I now have date nights on Fridays. I started taking better care of myself and exercising more. I did things for myself that I had put off when I was too busy being a working mom. I started decluttering things in the house we don’t need/use anymore. This spring, we got a puppy (Manfred, now 6 months old) to add to our two older dogs.
It did not take long after drop off in August for my ’27 and I to figure out a balance of contact that works for us. I have managed to resist the temptation to get into his business and I let him drive the bus (so to speak) without me providing directions or instructions (even though I dispense college parenting advice for a living, it is hard for me to follow that advice sometimes).
One of my proudest moments, oddly enough, was right before Labor Day last year. My ’27 had been at school for about 2 weeks and came down with COVID. I did not find out he had COVID until he called to ask if I could drive to Raleigh and bring him home to recuperate. He felt bad and managed to discern it might be COVID (vs. just a cold), tried to make an appointment at their student health office (but it was after hours), then researched the closest CVS Minute Clinic and got himself there for the test. He did all of that on his own with no input from me. I didn’t even know it was happening until it was over.
That is exactly the kind of resourcefulness and self-sufficiency I needed to reassure me that He’s got this. And at that point, I realized he was more capable than I might have given him credit for – and that he’d be fine this year. And so would I.
Whether you are sending your first, last, or only child to college – or you still have other kids at home and you will miss your Deac – be gentle with yourself and feel the things you feel. It’s a huge transition for your family. My wish for all of you is that your Deacs have a wonderful year, and your family finds the right balance of contact and independence so that both parents and student thrive. (And I always tell parents and families that if you need a little moral support from a been-there-done-that college mom, hit reply on any Daily Deac and I am happy to help if I can :))
Your Deacs have got this, and so do you. Let’s make it a great year!