Two Suggestions

In May, I was a panelist for a program geared towards families of high school seniors about to launch for college. During the course of that presentation, one of thing things we talked about was what family members should do when they get that frantic phone call/text/Facetime from their student who – at that moment – is unhappy about everything (their roommate, they failed a test, they think they picked the wrong school, etc. Just everything is awful).

In a separate post, closer to the start of move-in, we’ll tackle the Frantic Phone Call. But for now I want to suggest a summer activity that might considerably lessen your anxiety if that call does come.

I learned early in my marriage that sometimes my wonderful and loving husband would tell me some frustration or unhappiness with his job, and I was SO READY to come up with solutions and tell him what to do to fix it. What we both learned, over time and with good communication, is that what he wanted was for me to listen and empathize. He didn’t want me to solve anything – he just wanted to be heard. He’d work on his own solution later.

So we came up with a way to ensure that we both got what we wanted and needed in these situations. When he’d vent about something, I would ask “What’s my role here? I am just listening and empathizing? Or am I trying to help and come up with suggestions or solutions?” And then I had to do what he needed. Which was admittedly hard at times because I LOVE to fix. And just listening is hard when I think I can solve it! I am a work in progress 🙂

This might be a worthwhile practice to begin with your student over the summer: asking “What’s my role here?” when they come to you with a frustration or a problem. Getting in a rhythm now might help you understand what they need from you if that Frantic Phone Call comes once they are moved in at Wake.

And in the event they tell you they do want you to fix it and offer solutions, I would gently suggest that you push back, unless it was in the vein of life/health/safety/major financial situation where it would be vitally important to step in. But the more you can let your student do for themselves, the more independent, confident, and self-sufficient they will be.

I told our audience at this program one other thing that seemed especially to resonate. My counterparts at other schools all have stories of students coming into their offices, or sending them a mortified email saying “I am sorry that my mom/dad/loved one called/emailed you. I did not ask them to do that.” 

You might be surprised at how common this is among college students. Much of the time, your students do not want their loved ones involved with administrators – and never with their faculty.

So my best advice – given with love and gentleness, because I am a mom of a rising senior in HS and I get it! – is that before you pick up the phone or send an email to an administrator, ask yourself whether you would CC your student on that email (or conference them in to that call). And if the answer is no, that’s your cue not to do it 🙂 

— by Betsy Chapman, Ph.D. (’92, MA ’94)