The wisdom of the Rolling Stones
A quick weather note to begin today’s blog: “Reynolda Campus and Wake Downtown expects to hold in-person classes and continue normal campus operations on Friday, Jan. 21. The anticipated threat of inclement weather for Friday has dissipated, and campus operations are not expected to be impacted. The University will continue to update the campus community on any major operational changes.” Residence Life and Housing sent a reminder message about keeping residence hall windows closed.
For our families of P’25s and P’24s, some of your students are likely to have gone through sorority and fraternity recruitment (bids for men went out last night, I believe). Your Deac’s individual outcome may – or may not – been what they were hoping for. And that is a good time to spend a minute thinking about the old Rolling Stones song:
“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.”
It’s never fun to not get what you want. As adults, we have the benefit of a fully-developed brain and executive functioning to help keep disappointment in perspective. That is much harder to do at 18-22 years old. So I want to spend today thinking about how sometimes not getting what you want can turn out to be the best luck of all. You might find you get what you need.
For students who went through fraternity or sorority recruitment, they might think they can only be happy in one Greek organization. If they didn’t get it, they may feel bad about themselves, or if they got a bid to another group, they might feel like they aren’t sure if they can be as happy there. But if they are willing to give the other group a chance, they might find it really is the best fit.
Some students might be questioning whether they can be happy and have a fulfilling social life as an independent student (i.e., non-Greek); they absolutely can. The key for students – Greek and independent alike – is to get involved in student organizations on campus to build/expand their networks (reminder, the Spring Involvement Fair will be Feb. 2nd!). If they make the effort to get in with some of those student orgs, they might find networks of friends who are the ones they really need.
Speaking of friends…many students think they need tons of friends. Not everyone does. Some students only need a few close friends, or even just one friend they can rely on for anything. Help your Deac see friendship is often less about quantity and all about quality.
Sometimes students think they need to be accepted and affirmed from everyone they know. And if they don’t get that affirmation, it stings. What we know as adults is that acceptance comes from within. We need to accept ourselves for who we are – the good and the bad. Ultimately, we all have to live for our own idea of what is right for us, not for everyone else’s opinion. That gentle reminder may help your Deac.
Related to this, students think they want to “find their people” (translation: “people who look/think/act just like me.” But what they might actually need are friends who are very unlike them and who can challenge their thinking, assumptions, etc.
They may also think “their people” they want to find will also be drama-free people. But what they might really need are occasional conflicts and frictions in their friend group. You can’t learn to manage conflict, be diplomatic, or manage difficult personalities if you never encounter interpersonal challenges. Students only grow those skills through use.
To the realm of academia: sometimes students think they want easy classes. But what they need is classes that make them think, that excite them, and – yes – that challenge them. We get stronger when we are challenged, so that easy A doesn’t guarantee we will be a better critical thinker or smarter person.
So if your student has a scenario where they don’t get what they want – help them be open to the possibility that they might be getting just what they need, even if that take a little imagination on their part, or it means they might have to work a little harder at it.
As a mom of a high school junior, I know it hurts us as parents when our kids are disappointed. This is one of those long game moments where it will help our kids more if we step back and let them feel their feelings of disappointment, not try to make it better/fix it/distract them. Easy to say, hard to do, I know! I fight this all the time 🙂