More of Your Questions

For our reality TV fans in the Daily Deacdom, you may be interested to know that the new season of The Bachelor features Wake alumnus Matt James (’14). Our Wake Forest Magazine profiled Matt in 2019, and it is a great read. One of my colleagues also found an article that links the origins of the phrase “dumpster fire” to a student prank at Wake Forest. I have worked a long time at Wake and I had never heard that story, so I can’t speak to its legitimacy. Perhaps I can get one of my library friends to help fact check it for me; nevertheless a bit of a diversional read.

I am continuing to work through some of the questions you posed to me in the Daily Deac survey a few weeks ago. Here goes.

What is the purpose of the Daily Deac?

Short version: the purpose of the Daily Deac is to provide interested families with a deeper way to engage with Wake Forest via news, advice/tips, and fun stuff.

Long version: my doctoral work centered around the idea that families are told at the K-12 level that “parental involvement leads to student success,” so families come to college expecting that they should continue to be similarly involved. But at the college level, many schools try to keep families at an arm’s length because students need to go through all the appropriate student development phases in their journey to independence and adulthood. The Daily Deac is a way to give families their own virtual part of campus to occupy – with [we hope] information that helps them feel informed, comfortable about their student’s new environment, and knowledgeable about how to get help if their student needs it. It allows families to know what is going on here without having to ask their student for this information, which gives students the room they need to be independent. The blog also helps the University share our philosophy about how you can best support your student. 

Respectfully, I’m not sure how to use the Daily Deac. It’s a wonderful source of information and I am trying to give my son the space to manage things on his own–I want HIM to follow these events/deadlines/ guidelines and want to get out of the high school mentality that his parents will keep track of the important stuff. I feel guilt every time I get a Daily Deac that I should be following up with him on a variety of issues. You have a great head about staying in touch vs. “managing” your child’s life. How do you recommend the newsletter be used?

You have hit on one of my greatest conundrums: how to walk that line of letting your college student make their own independent decisions and choices but making sure nothing mission critical falls through the cracks. It’s tough to balance. I think parents and families can prompt their student about a due date or deadline, but not actively manage how/when they act on it.

You should also know that typically when I remind families of a due date or deadline in the Daily Deac, it is something that your students have also received notice of (possibly/likely even multiple times). Great example is the flu shot requirement this year. Your students have been told in a variety of ways (emails, an online course they had to take, social media posts, etc.) that they need a flu shot. So you can say “honey, I read there is a flu shot requirement – do you have a plan to get yours?” If they say yes, great. If they say no, then you might offer “be sure you look up the requirements and the deadlines. I’ll trust you to get it done” – and then stay out of their way, say/do no more. Let your Deac figure out how to make it happen. And if they don’t get it done on time, let them live with that consequence! They might get a nastygram saying they are out of compliance. Do not assist them in making arrangements for a shot – let them do that themselves.  

Families hate when I say this (and I understand why) but sometimes we learn things better and more permanently when we get a lesson that stings a bit. If your Deac has an unpleasant consequence once, it is likely they will not make that mistake again. If we keep taking care of things for them, we are not allowing our kids to become independent.

When parents can come to campus again, how can we best support our Deac? 

I think the biggest way is always to love and affirm them for who they are. That means accepting their choice of major, extracurricular activities, friends, their identity, all of those things (and more). Get to know their friends – these are the people that are your student’s support system. This is who is important to them, so you want to have positive relationships with them. Stay out of roommate or friend disputes. Your best party line there is “honey, I trust you and know you will work this out however you think best.” Never criticize their weight, dress, appearance, etc. particularly among their friend group. And in general, don’t try to engineer outcomes for them – they need to do that work themselves, whether that is making friends, or finding a roommate, or choosing classes.  

How can parents volunteer or be involved in Wake Forest life?

Colleges’ level of parent/family volunteering is a pretty broad spectrum. Some of my counterparts at other schools rely on family volunteers to host Orientation or Family Weekend, or to physically help people move in at the start of school. Other schools have dues-paying parent/family associations where you don’t get the newsletter unless you join. We are fortunate to have a model at Wake that covers staffing and does not require dues – and consequently we don’t have a lot of volunteer opportunities.

In non-COVID times, we would encourage you to come to Family Weekend, go to athletic events, and get involved with your local WAKECommunity (which is our version of regional clubs). WAKECommunities are open to alumni and families alike, and they offer great events and opportunities to meet others in the Wake Forest family.

We always need people to hire our students and graduates for internships and jobs, so you can connect with our Employer Relations team if you can help there. We also rely on parents and families to steer great students our way – so talk us up to your neighbors and colleagues who have high schoolers.

Am still working through your questions and will pepper them throughout the blog between now and the spring semester starting.

— by Betsy Chapman, Ph.D. (’92, MA ’94)