A to Z for Parents and Families
Today and tomorrow, I have a little holiday gift for you. It’s the A to Z of the WFU experience, by way of advice. Today we’ll feature the A-Z advice for families, tomorrow for the students. Hope you enjoy.
A – accept your students for who they are. They will change while they are in college. That’s what’s supposed to happen.
B – be their safe place to confide in. That means listening without judgment, and not yelling if they made mistakes or freaking out if the situation is complex (“my friend has an eating disorder/drug problem/[insert whatever scary issue here]”). One of the best things my late P’92 dad ever did for me was if I told him I had a big problem, the first thing he said was “how can I help you?” Not “OMG, what did you do?!?!”
C – cheer them on. Sometimes they need a “I know you can do this, honey!” or “You got this!” or “Attagirl/attaboy!”
D – don’t sweat the small stuff. Hint: most of it is small stuff!
E – even the scales in conversation, power, and family dynamics. Give them more autonomy, more freedom, more latitude. College students are growing into their own responsible-adult versions of themselves. You should be moving to a relationship where they start to seem less like children, and more like adults.
F – fill them in on what is going on at home with the rest of the family. They miss parents, loved ones, siblings, pets, extended family. They worry about you. They want to know how you are.
G – get comfortable with your student’s discomfort. They are all going to have days when they feel bad or are unhappy. This is a normal part of life. It doesn’t mean that they will be unhappy forever. Allow them to process their feelings without intervention from you.
H – have the hard conversations. Be sure you talk about things that matter to you – whether that is alcohol, birth control, budgeting, whatever. Be sure you talk about things you worry about/hope for, and listen to what they have to say too.
I – inquire about how they are doing, and really listen to what they say.
J – jump in to a problem only if it is something your student truly cannot handle on their own, or is a matter of life/health/safety.
K – keep an open mind. About majors, friends, their choice of clothing/music/faith practice/whatever.
L – let your student take the lead. Whether that is in conversation, or driving, or figuring out where to eat dinner (once we can safely do so again, of course), let them practice how to make decisions.
M – make an effort to get to know who is important to your Deac. Learn their friends’ names and how they matter to your student. Their friends are like their family during the school year.
N – never get involved with their academics. Let them choose their own classes and pick their major. And never ever ever contact a professor. It will hurt your student’s relationship with their faculty to have loved ones trying to intervene.
O – open your hearts and your doors to their friends. One of the great joys in life is meeting your child’s friends and watching how they interact with each other.
P – provide perspective when your student has a problem. Note that I did not say provide answers/directions 🙂 It is easy for students to catastrophize when they make a mistake or have what feels like a big problem. Your job is to help them see the sun will still rise tomorrow and that virtually all problems or challenges are solvable.
Q – question them thoughtfully. There is a big difference between asking “what on earth are you going to do with an X major?” and asking “what attracted you to the idea of majoring in X?” The first will make them defensive, the second opens the doors to a conversation that will reveal their motivations – and will show your support.
R – resist the urge to pick up the phone/FaceTime or respond to their text right away. Sometimes when students get a bad grade back or have a fight with a friend, the first thing they do is pick up their phone to get support from their loved ones. They want immediate soothing from someone who loves them. This can actually keep them from feeling what they are feeling because they are looking for a distraction and affirmation. Allowing them to sit with their discomfort helps them understand that we all feel bad sometimes, and that is part of life. They will work through it.
S – step back. Offer less advice and direction so they learn to make independent decisions and learn to solve their own problems.
T – tell them about times you have struggled, or failed. They may not tell you this, but they look at you and think you are perfect, and you have never struggled. Knowing you had a difficult time with a class or a project or a job will help them learn that people can have hardships and still succeed. You did it, so they can too.
U – understand that your student needs to do the work in their day to day experience. Have a facilities issue? Your student needs to fill out the work order (you shouldn’t find the form and fill it out for them). Didn’t like a faculty member’s decision or policy? Your student needs to have a discussion with their faculty member and give that feedback (you don’t need to write the department chair or dean). Every time you do something your student should do, it robs them of a chance to practice that skill. It hurts rather than helps.
V – Venmo them an unexpected $20 every now and then. My P’92 dad used to do this the old school way, sending me a letter and sliding a bill in there. Unexpected money makes everyone’s day.
W – watch your words. I love the old saying “Once said, never unsaid.” Be careful of saying things that might cut your student, or undercut their confidence in themselves.
X – XOXO. Show your love for them. Whether that is real or virtual hugs and kisses, they want and need your love.
Y – Yield the floor to your student more and more. Let them talk more, and you listen more.
Z – Zoom with them once a week so you can see their face and how they seem. But don’t let too-frequent contact be a crutch.
Hope you enjoyed these A-Zs. Tomorrow we will focus on the students.
And to all who are celebrating Christmas Eve tonight, may Santa be good to you and yours 🙂
