One of the most challenging things for college parents is deciphering their student’s emotions. Instead of being at home across the kitchen table – where you can see your student’s face and body language – you are now conversing with your son or daughter via email, cell phone, text message, or Facebook. Some families Skype, which at least allows you to see your student while you talk, but for most families you don’t have the familiar comfort of physically looking at your child to assess his or her well being.
Normally this is OK, but if a time comes that you are worried about your student, it is hard not to have the reassurance of talking to him or her in person. And in reality, most first year students experience a wide range of emotions – and a lot of ups and downs – in the first semester as they transition to college life. Some of the common emotions are:
Excitement – meeting new friends, going to parties, feeling like a “real adult” now, discovering new academic passions, falling in love- Fear or anxiety – about fitting in, not being the best in class, bad grades, not meeting parents’ expectations, or about changes to relationships with high school friends or significant others
- Stress – due to real or perceived workload, class selection, disagreements with a roommate or friends, or in setting personal boundaries and behavior
- Happiness – from forming strong bonds of friendship, feeling that this is a good “fit” for them, from academic successes
- Homesickness/weepy – missing parents, siblings, pets, high school friends, breakup with a significant other, or they have gotten sick for the first time away from home
Fatigue – from late nights, lack of sleep, overextending themselves
Students frequently call their parents after a significant incident, whether good or bad – a fight with a roommate, getting the first paper back or first exam grade, after a really fun weekend with friends. So at some point you will likely hear each of the above emotions from your student. Typically for the ‘happy’ calls, it’s easy. For calls when your student seems distressed, it’s much harder for parents and family members.
One thing to keep in mind is that whatever seems to be bothering them now might not be bothering them tomorrow. They may have called you at a bad moment, when the drama is heightened and feelings are frenzied. Often a good night’s sleep and a clear head make the situation seem far less dire to your student and they will sound perfectly fine the next day. So don’t panic if you hear one bad report. Frequently, a little bit of time or distance from the situation will help your student put it in the proper perspective.
Another phenomenon I see with great frequency is what I call the “passing of the burden” – your student is stressed out and unhappy, and so he/she calls you to tell you about everything that is going on that is unpleasant. Once your student unburdens him/herself, the situation improves drastically for him or her; the problem is now *you* are the one carrying the worries and the burden! I cannot tell you the number of times I have talked to a distressed parent who is worried about a phone call they just received, only to have the same parent call me back in two days to say their student is fine, just happened to call home in a bad moment and as soon as they aired all the frustrations, the student went back to his or her normal routine.
However, some ups and downs are very real. If your student does have an issue that is serious to them and wants assistance with it, there are a wide range of people they can consult as needed:
RA (Resident Advisor)
Or contact the Parent Programs office for recommendations at .
As parents, you can help your student by listening – but letting him/her determine his/her own solutions to the issues whenever possible. And know that each experience your student has – the happy, the sad, the good and the bad – is helping your student learn valuable lessons inside and outside the classroom to develop character and maturity.
